Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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