How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
