I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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