She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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