I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
