My sheets look like a crime scene.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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