I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I party with great urgency now.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
