Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
