He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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