He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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