She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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