last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
