I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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