Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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