OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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