you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
