I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize