I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
