you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize