I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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