Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
