I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
