If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
