Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
