Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
