You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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