i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
