he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
