I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
