Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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