6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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