Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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