I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
