What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I supernannyed him into submission
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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