seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
