So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
