Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
