i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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