apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
