I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
