Since when is my name a synonym for head?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
