Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
