We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
