is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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