Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
