I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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