Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
