The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
