My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
