i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We had sex on a dog bed..
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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