Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
