i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
