sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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