Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
3pm strippers are depressing
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have fence marks all over my body
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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