I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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