Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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