I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
