Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
