I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
