so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
