ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
