My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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