i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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